S.O.C.H.

Village Report by Mavis Curtain-Twitcher (Mrs)

A scurrilous collection of village gossip and scandal

Money Money Money

"I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay" What a lovely evening we had at the Lakeside with the Abba tribute band! Mrs Persil sang along, "Dancing Queen, old and battered, only 83" and we were 'avin it large all night. Judging by the generators laid on for the occassion, one wonders if they have met their Waterloo with Powergen, or just run out of 50p's for the meter.

The Vicar's Easter Eggo

Easter; it's that time of year again when the chip eaters re-appear and the God Botherers claim divine right to publicise their message, or some might say, crankiness, whether you like religious death imagery or not.

This year, the Vicar is running a competition for the best graffiti scrawled on his cross at the Bar Corner, in the hope of making the front page of the Gazette again. No shrinking violet is our Martin, always eager to steal the limelight from his famous gardening bro (Hippy) Bob Flowerdew!

As the good book says, "The meek shall inherit the earth".

That's Martin knackered then. 

Priory Pikeys 

Popped into see Cheryl at the hairdressers today for a quick blue rinse and there was Mrs Trellis and "Well", she said, "It's a disgrace if you ask me dear." She was of course, referring to that awful Sargeant family. Apparently, a visitor to the Priory said you need to wipe your feet on the way out, "living like pikeys" was the actual expression. They might think they're above the rest of us but you should see the state of the curtains! Perhaps they are running a bit short of cash, what with a 9th century bottomless pit to support and all those barrister's bills! 

Ooh, almost forgot to mention, heard a nasty little rumour that the new lime mortar in the "repaired" Priory wall is crumbling and falling out. On inspection, it does look that way. What a shame if they have to do it all again at their own expense!

Big Bob's Barrier Burglars!

Well I never, some low-life thief has stolen Bob's car park barrier. The PPFT have issued a fatwa against the culprits, as everybody knows, fencing removal in this village is their exclusive right. Who can you think of that is a parasitic scoundrel in need of some fencing for illicit activities? Answers on a postcard please. 

Erectile dysfunction

According to a member of the Parish Council with whom I was discussing illegal erections in the lavatories by the Bury, Tendring District Council's Enforcement Officer, Mr Dick Felcher, promised a decision on Lord Sargeant's gate and fence by the end of October. We're well into November and still nothing; one wonders, could TDC's inaction once again see a return of that intrepid band of freedom fighters, the People's Popular Front on Toosey?

Service with a smile 

Here's an idea - why not phone your order in to the village chip shop, thus saving on time waiting in the queue? Simple. Well, not in Toosey. Many locals have grown tired of the service , or lack of it, in this shop; one resident reports having phoned his order over a dozen times but on every occassion having to wait whilst they make the order up. Exasperated by this repetitive muppetry, he enquired how difficult it was to put some fish and chips in a bag by a certain time to be told "We're too busy". He pointed out that they set the time of pick-up, and that there was never an issue when Johnny Mac ran the 'plaice'. The owner didn't even offer an apology, didn't attempt to remedy the situation or even offer a free bag of vinegar scrapes. Obviously not one to take criticism well, he banned him. This fishfaced frier is looking a likely contender for miserable git of the year.

Apparently, the chip shop at Tudor Parade in Jaywick is picking up lots of trade from disgruntled Tooseyites, serving far superior fish and chips, the service is impeccable, and unlike our chippy and despite living in Jaywick, they smile!  A fine example of a Great British institution that our chippy would do well to learn from, only these expert and friendly purveyors of our national dish are from Hong Kong.   

Flower Power Goes Sour

What a shocking shame to lose Nettles and Petals, now we only have one florist barely making a living! I popped in to the "Pop in" morning at the church you know and Mrs Persil said it's going to reopen as a chocolate shop. Selling fireguards and ashtrays.

Yes, there's never a shortage of entrepreneurial talent when it comes to shops in St Osyth, we've had a SSSTUFF in the same premises (what exactly was that anyway?), and now the not-very-good bakers and sandwich shop has been replaced by a the world's smallest cafe with three tables; almost opposite Duke's Bistro (still referred to as Pat Gentry's of  course), where an olive fight broke out on Monday night during rowdy birthday celebrations of a pinnacle of the agricultural community. See below. 

Bailer Burning Birthday Boy

Great Uncle Mc.Silage, aka  Mick Simeon is fifty. Yes, that's half a century of bringing you the finest silage money can buy and causing 3 mile tailbacks with his tractor and trailer. Mick attributes making his half century with most body parts and marbles intact to eating three bowls of silage, sprinkled with agricultural lime, for breakfast every day. Mick, who has burned out around 1650 bailers in his time, says most days for lunch he has toasted sandwiches.

Happy Birthday Mick!

Big Bob's Barrier Beef

The larger than life landlord of the King's Arms, Lovely Bob Nethercott, came home the other day to find his car park full and nowhere to park his own car. This would have put a smile on his face had it not been for the fact that the pub was closed at the time.

One thing Bob likes less than exercise is his car park being used by shoppers whose parking privileges have been withdrawn by Lord Sargeant. Bob's stuck a barrier up by the Clacton Rd entrance, but seeing as it really is private land that he controls without question, the PPFT have kindly agreed not to remove it.

Tales from the Riverbank

Down at the Lakeside, the new owners are making hay while the sun shines. Well, not hay, but they've had a fine harvest of weed from the lake, with the help of Phil Smith's forklift and a combine harvester mounted on the front of a boat. One and a half trailers full so far. Phil has put it through his grain drier and offered it to the kids on the rec at £20 a quarter.

The Lakeside appears to have enticed the Romford Navy back in droves this summer, with their imaginative driving of noisy jetskis round in circles, Now, you may think this is completely pointless, but it is in fact a mating ritual performed for the large peroxide blondes with bad dress sense who rattle their bling in appreciation of this male display of daring and skill. Good to see the place busy again though, will they succeed where others have failed in cracking the winter market?

Pink Ink Stink

The PPFT have apparently denied responsibility for the recent re-spray of Sargeant’s illegal gate on the Bury in full view of the £22,000 camera kindly placed there by his good friends TDC and the Old Bill. Looks as if everyone in the village wants a bit of the action too, but whoever it was should be ashamed of this disgusting and sick act - surely you know pink clashes with green! Doh!

Shaggy Dog Story

Been down the beach with the dog lately? If you walk up the far end to the pleasant sandy stretch near the bird reserve, you'll come to the "Designated Naturist Area". For years this has been the summer retreat for the dirty raincoat club, except without any clothes, let alone a raincoat. The sign should in fact now read "St Osyth Dogging Site", according to http://www_contactmenow_co_uk and a dozen other "adult" websites:

About St Osyth Dogging Site

St Osyth Official Nudist Beach. Follow the signs to St Osyth, and enter via Hutleys Caravan Park. You can park on the beach from the end of May. Most action takes place from 4pm till 9pm when the beach closes. Gays use the far end of the beach.

So, errr… do you prefer to take Fido for a long walk or a short one?